it’s not often talked about, the grief that comes with healing.
how it is common to want to cling to things we know we’ve outgrown because it means taking steps into unfamiliar territory that we don’t have maps for.
how the heart can break at letting go of what once was a source of survival.
we have to grieve the loss of our former selves.
this is all death.
this is all the way of life.
i had an appointment the other day where i received some information i wasn’t quite expecting (i am ok).
in doing so, i experienced some emotions of uncertainty, vulnerability and confusion.
on my way home, i drove past a drugstore where i would often stop to pick up wine for my evenings at home when i was drinking.
alcohol was the one thing i could always count on to help sooth uncomfortable emotions whenever i needed.
it was always there.
no questions asked.
the body memory of habitually stopping at this store to arm myself with my escape route caused a wave of grief to crash into me, unexpectedly.
it wasn’t that i wanted to drink, it was that i knew i couldn’t.
it was that my former way of being was no longer an option for me. it was no longer a home.
it was a distinct understanding that this is something i can’t un-know about myself.
this is something i must hold my life accountable to.
i share this not to talk about drinking but to talk about what we open ourselves up to when we decide not to run.
in this instance, the grief came and i let it.
i cried.
i allowed the discomfort.
i acknowledged my loneliness.
i let it all move me into some self-trust that isn’t easily accessible.
the kind that is earned.
the kind that is built.
the kind that is gold.
the kind that comes with practicing what it means to be intimate with what is.
being intimate with what is includes relating to our grief as we learn to show up for ourselves in new ways.
this is all the work of being in relationship to our own knowing.
this is the language of self-intimacy.
Thank you so much for sharing, Jessamyn <3 I'm grieving some losses of former versions of self as well over here and this was uplifting in a very meaningful way. Sending love and gratitude.